Psychologist and journalist Daniel Goleman, PhD, achieved
widespread recognition in 1995 with his groundbreaking
book
Emotional
Intelligence, which showed how success in life and work
is based on much more than IQ.
In his most recent book,
Social
Intelligence, he explains that human beings are wired
to connect with one another. When we meet other people
face-to-face, our brains search for subtle clues in their facial
expressions to deduce what they are feeling -- then our minds
adjust our own feelings to match. The better you are at this,
the more in sync you will be with those around you, increasing
your chances of success in personal relationships and the
workplace.
Bottom Line/Personal asked Goleman for more details
about social intelligence...
Exactly what is “social intelligence?”
Social intelligence is interpersonal skills. It’s our empathic
ability to understand what other people are thinking and to feel
what other people are feeling. It also is having the willingness
and ability to know what to do with this information in order to
create smooth interactions with other people and achieve our
goals.
Are these social-interaction skills something we’re born
with or something we can develop?
Both. About 15% of children are born with a tendency to shyness,
but these children will not end up as shy adults if they are
encouraged to be more outgoing while they are still young. We are
not prisoners of our genetics where social intelligence is
concerned. The social wiring in our brains is not even fully formed
until our mid-20s, and experiments have shown that we can continue
to develop our social intelligence throughout our lives.
What’s the best way to learn to relate better to other
people?
One way is to become a better listener. Do you really hear what
people are saying when they talk to you... or do you leap to
conclusions about what they mean based on what you are thinking? It
takes a concerted effort to become a better listener, but it can be
done...
Pay close attention to good listeners you know when
they are engaged in conversations. Think back to these skilled
listeners during your own conversations.
Make a contract with yourself to never respond until
you are certain you understand what has been said. If you’re not
sure what the other person means, restate what he/she said and ask
if that is what he meant.
Use every conversation as an opportunity to develop
your listening skills, even exchanges that are not particularly
important to you.
I also recommend the MicroExpression Training Tools created by
facial expression and gesture expert Paul Ekman, PhD
($20.
www.paulekman.com/cds.html). This
interactive CD for your computer (Windows only) can dramatically
improve your ability to identify the quick flashes of expression
that betray people’s true emotions.
You write that humans do not just identify emotions in
others. We actually adopt their emotions as if they were our own.
How is this done?
Neurologists have discovered that our brains contain “mirror
neurons” that activate the emotions we sense in the brains of those
around us. This often occurs without us even realizing it is
happening. To a lesser extent, we even pick up emotions from actors
on television or in the movies.
This ability to absorb the emotions of those around us makes it
easier for us to work and live together harmoniously in groups, but
it also means that we can catch other people’s emotions as easily
as we catch their colds. You might be having a great day, but if
you interact with people who are fearful or angry, you could become
fearful or angry yourself without knowing why. Or you could walk
away suddenly happy from a brief encounter with someone who is
upbeat.
If we are so susceptible to the emotions of others, is it
damaging to spend time with negative people?
If there is someone in your life who is “emotionally toxic,” you
might want to spend less time with him/her for your own good. If
you cannot get the toxic people out of your life -- or you have a
job that regularly exposes you to negative emotions, such as
emergency room nurse or police officer -- you must inoculate
yourself against negative emotions and learn to be more emotionally
resilient. Staying positive may even have a positive effect on
toxic people.
I recommend Jon Kabat-Zinn’s books and CDs about mindfulness
meditation, a stress-reduction technique taught in many hospitals.
His
Mindfulness
for Beginners CD (Sounds True, $19.95) is
available at bookstores and online at Amazon.com.
Is there a way to convey criticism that doesn’t cause bad
feelings?
The emotional content of our messages can be important. Studies
have shown that two leaders can deliver exactly the same message
with completely different results, depending on their emotions when
the words are spoken -- the team will perform well if the leader is
upbeat, poorly if the leader is downbeat.
A boss even can criticize an underling and have that underling walk
away feeling good, but only if the boss truly feels positive and
supportive when he offers the criticism. If the boss feels anger or
exasperation, the employee is more likely to become angry or
depressed.
When you want to let someone down easy, convey positive emotions
and bracket your “no” between two upbeat statements. You can say
something like, “It really is great working with you. You always
bring me quality ideas. I’m going to have to say no this time -- I
just don’t have room in the budget. Keep up the good work, and
we’ll talk again in a few months.”
Do men and women differ when it comes to social
intelligence?
There are some statistically significant differences. In general,
women tend to be more emotionally empathic than men -- that is,
better able to pick up the emotions of others. Women also tend to
be more socially skilled -- better able to do the right thing to
keep a relationship running smoothly. Men tend to be better at
returning to normal after experiencing distressing emotions. Men
also tend to have more self-confidence in social
situations.