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am often amazed at the lengths that my patients will go to so that they can sweep conflict under the rug -- they’ll tiptoe around difficult issues and people for years, playing the martyr and hoping that change will occur all by itself.

Examples: Your spouse’s family criticizes you, but your spouse says nothing... you find out that a friend has been gossiping about you... you send your grandchildren gifts but never receive any acknowledgment from them.

My patients suffer emotionally because they’re afraid that confrontations will cause more pain and stress and will jeopardize their relationships.

Good news: There are ways to defuse tense situations and to shape conversations in order to create satisfying resolutions.

You won’t have to sweep conflict under the rug. In fact, you’ll likely experience a renewal of energy and more peace from speaking up. The best strategies...

ESTABLISH GROUND RULES

To better resolve differences with your spouse or someone close to you, tell him/her that you want to try something new the next time that you have a disagreement -- each of you will take turns speaking, saying what you need to in no more than three sentences. Having rules to play by alleviates anxieties during fights.

The three-sentence technique prevents both parties from making long-winded complaints and forces you to focus on what really matters. It also encourages better listening -- most listeners tune out after hearing three sentences and start preparing their replies.

Helpful: If you think that the other person isn’t paying attention, stop talking. Eventually, he will notice the silence. At that point, say, "I just wanted to wait until I had your full attention."

MAKE COMPROMISES

Think about the compromises that you’re willing to make to resolve an issue beforeyou start discussing it. As soon as an argument begins, most people focus on their desired outcome, convinced that they are 100% right. They are annoyed and indignant to learn that the other party also feels 100% right.

Example: You and your spouse plan to go on vacation. You want to visit a European city, but your spouse prefers a beach resort in the Caribbean. Every conversation you have deteriorates quickly because you try to convince your spouse to see more cultural places while your spouse says that you need to learn how to relax.

Better: Before you talk the next time, list the specific concessions you might make (for instance, you would go to a European city on the Mediterranean... go to the Bahamas this winter, but Paris next summer).

AVOID ESCALATION

Certain "loaded" words raise the tension and alienate each side in a disagreement...

Starting sentences with the word "you."

Reason: It’s accusatory. "You won’t give me a definitive answer"... "You keep attacking me." Better: Begin sentences with "I." It’s less inflammatory and makes the other person more empathetic because you’re describing how his behavior is affecting you: "I would really appreciate a firm yes or no"... "I’m upset by your repeated verbal attacks."

Using the words "always" and "never."

Reason: They are inaccurate, simplistic absolutes -- "You never listen to what I say"... "You’re always so picky." These words sidetrack you from the issue that you’re discussing. Inevitably, the other person responds by defending himself and presenting evidence of all the times when he did listen or wasn’t picky.

Saying "I don’t know."

Reason: It’s so vague that it leads to misinterpretation.

Example: Someone asks you to volunteer to serve with her on a committee. It’s for a good cause, but you really don’t want any involvement with this person -- nor do you want to offend her. If you say, "I don’t know," it could mean "I honestly don’t know"... "I don’t have enough information"... "I actually do know, but I’m not telling"... "I’m lying, but I don’t want you to know." Instead say: "I wish I could help you, but I just don’t have the time to do it."

KEEP YOUR COOL

If the other person yells, loses control or speaks rudely and inappropriately, this is your cue to stay in control of your behavior. If you retaliate in kind, the bickering will escalate, making resolution very unlikely. What to do...

Acknowledge his frustration. Say, "I can see that you’re upset." This makes him feel like you are making an effort to understand his point of view.

If the other person continues with an emotional and/or nasty outburst, say, "Stop." If he presses on, then loudly and firmly repeat, "Stop."

"Stop" is a good word because it’s not particularly offensive, so it doesn’t turn up the heat in the discussion. In fact, the other person is usually so surprised by the word, he stops escalating the argument. Next, take a few minutes apart to cool down, or tell the other person that you need to continue the conversation later.

APOLOGIZE EFFECTIVELY

Even if a conflict is ultimately resolved, a hurtful statement made when you argued can trigger bad feelings that lead to more disagreements later. Solution: Apologizing is a powerful act that can help both parties heal. But to work, it must be done well...

Be direct and specific about what you did that was hurtful. Say, "I’m sorry for snapping at you in the car when we got lost."

Tell the person how you believe that his actions offended, and check in with him to see if you’ve interpreted it correctly. Say: "When you try to help and I raise my voice, you feel anxious and belittled. Is that right?"

Explain what you’ve learned from this experience and what you’ll do to address your bad behavior. Say: "I know I have a sharp tongue when I get frustrated. I need to be more careful and tone it down."

PUT AGREEMENTS IN WRITING

We are most likely to honor the written word, which leads to more long-lasting results. A written agreement can be about how to conduct discussions ("I promise to avoid distractions like getting on the computer or answering the phone when we are having a conflict"). Or it can be about what you’ve concluded from your discussions ("I will not buy anything on late-night infomercials without checking with you"). Date the document, and have both parties sign it. This is an effective way to ensure that there are no misunderstandings in the future.

AGREE TO DISAGREE

In my practice, I’ve found that about one-third of major conflicts are nonnegotiable. Neither partner will change his mind about the issue because each feels it’s an integral part of who he is.

Example: An elderly parent who can no longer take care of himself refuses to move into a nursing home. In such cases, it’s often best to yield to the person’s wishes, but to ask him to make a concession to you in some area that’s less threatening. For instance, the elderly parent doesn’t have to give up his home, but he must accept a day nurse. This is the simplest way to compromise without getting bogged down in useless arguing.