Even Little Lies Can Hurt a Marriage
Joel D. Block, PhD
Albert Einstein College of Medicine
The happiest, most passionate couples are those who are
emotionally open and unafraid to reveal themselves to each other.
Yet the potential for deception always is present. The "big" lies,
such as having an affair, tend to have the worst repercussions
(often divorce). Yet a lifetime of small lies also can erode a
relationship.
Examples of little lies: Maybe you
bought something that you didn’t really need -- and lied to your
partner about the cost. Or your partner noticed your lingering
glance at another person -- then you swore up and down that you
really didn’t find that person attractive.
We
tell ourselves that these small lies are harmless -- or even
beneficial because they protect our partners’ feelings. But little
lies can be just as detrimental to a relationship as telling a
whopper. They just take more time to tear couples apart -- and are
not always easy to detect.
People who tell lies really are protecting themselves by hiding
their own true feelings. When the truth is discovered (it almost
always is eventually), the other person naturally feels betrayed.
Here, the many kinds of lies...
INDIRECT COMMUNICATION
Rather than stating clearly what they do or don’t want, people tend
to talk around subjects that they find uncomfortable. The more
afraid you are of rejection or potential criticism, the more likely
you are to communicate indirectly. The "lie" is not owning up to
what is wanted.
Example: I once counseled a couple
who had been married for 12 years. The husband, who was in the
restaurant business, had once been arrested for selling drugs. His
wife noticed that he recently had a lot more money. She also
noticed a spike in their cell-phone bills and a spate of hang-up
calls.
She
secretly wondered whether her husband was back in the drug world --
but rather than confronting him about her fears, she tried to
gather information indirectly. She suggested, for example, that she
might start spending more time at the restaurant. He said he didn’t
need extra help, but she kept pressing and their disagreements
escalated. Finally, she blurted, "You’re hiding something. I know
it!"
If a
couple is going to argue, they should at least have a disagreement
based on an accurate understanding of each other’s position. With
indirect communication, no one is even sure what the argument is
about. In this case, the real issue was the wife’s (unfounded)
suspicions.
Solution: Openly request
information. Had the wife stated directly what she was worried
about or had the husband asked why coming to the restaurant was so
important, they could have had a real conversation instead of an
argument. If you’re uncomfortable making a request, say so -- "I
feel uncomfortable asking you, but... " That’s the truth. To circle
around it is to avoid the truth.
BROKEN CONTRACTS
How
often have you made a promise and failed to keep it? Not keeping
your word is a kind of lying that can seriously harm a relationship
by undermining trust. Even when the promises are trivial -- maybe
you agree to start projects but fail to follow through -- breaking
your word can make everything you say seem unreliable.
There
is a concept in psychology called "secondary gains." It means that
someone gets positive reinforcement from negative patterns. We’re
all guilty of occasional broken promises. Someone who consistently
"forgets" may be unconsciously creating emotional distance --
forgetting puts the other person off -- so that the "forgetter"
feels less vulnerable.
Solution: If you’re a forgetter, try
to understand the secondary gains that arise from disappointing
your partner. Merely understanding this concept can be a powerful
step.
Also helpful: A quid pro
quo, which roughly means "a favor for a favor." If someone is
persistently forgetful, his/her partner can insist on having
something done before giving something in return. While this is a
bit adversarial, it’s sometimes warranted.
Example: The forgetter asks you to
mail a package at the post office. You respond, "Absolutely -- as
soon as you clean out the backseat of the car as you promised to do
two weeks ago."
WITHHOLDING INFORMATION
We
all have a right to privacy, but some people take this to extremes
and withhold important information. This is a form of concealment
that borders on lying -- and is the opposite of true
intimacy.
Example: A husband might avoid
certain issues -- for example, his feelings about a mutual friend
-- because he feels that his wife is critical of his opinions. If
he gets in the habit of not saying what he thinks, she might
criticize his persistent silence -- at which point, he’ll conclude
that his wife is too critical.
Solution: This is a slippery slope
and should be addressed by sharing everything. It is the premise of
a good partnership. Sharing private personal thoughts with each
other creates intimacy. If sharing is met with harsh judgment,
don’t withdraw. Talk this out with your partner to clear the way
for future nonjudgmental discussion.
BLAMING
When
something goes wrong, the aggrieved party knows precisely whom to
blame. It’s the other person’s fault. When a person blames someone
else, he/she is omitting his part in the issue -- that’s the
lie.
In
all of my years as a therapist, I’ve rarely encountered a conflict
that truly was just one person’s fault -- and blame never makes
things better.
The
person who is blamed feels defensive. He/she will probably respond
with counterblame and anger.
Solution: Instead of pointing
fingers, the partners should avoid the language of blame.
Substitute sentences that start with "I" for those that start with
"you."
Example: Rather than saying, "You
never help in the kitchen," say something like, "I feel resentful
when you don’t help out."
Unlike "you" statements, which typically lead to adversarial
reactions, "I" sentences are more honest and less confrontational.
They can lead to understanding rather than a continuation of the
disagreement.
SEXUAL SECRETS
Sexual desires are among the most sensitive secrets. A partner
might reveal something about his/her sexual desires (or sexual
history) and then be judged harshly. It’s natural for that person,
under these circumstances, to be reluctant to reveal himself
again.
At the same time, sharing sexual desires with one’s partner
can build intimacy.
Solution: When you take
responsibility for what pleases you, you increase the probability
of being pleased. For a couple to have a satisfying sex life, both
partners need to be aware of their preferences. If you find it hard
to initiate this kind of conversation, perhaps an opportunity will
arise while watching a sexy scene in a movie. "Would that kind of
thing be exciting to you?" could be a way to start the
conversation.