We’re being watched. Our body language, our actions and our
facial expressions send signals that others receive and evaluate. I
learned as an FBI agent to quickly and assuredly assess the meaning
of these signals so that appropriate action -- at times, lifesaving
action -- could be taken.
Psychologists estimate that between 60% and 80% of all
communication is nonverbal -- yet most people put no thought into
the messages their bodies are sending. Here, five vital nonverbal
messages and how to send them...
"I’M IN CHARGE HERE"
You don’t necessarily have to be smarter or more experienced
than the rest of a group to be accepted as its
leader. Some leaders send nonverbal signals that encourage
others to follow...
Claim territory. When standing, hold your
arms slightly away from your sides, feet slightly apart. When you
sit at a shared space, such as a conference table, spread your
materials out slightly farther than the width of your shoulders,
claiming the space as your own. Organized, polite people tend to
arrange their papers in a neat pile, then fold their hands on top.
Unfortunately, this sends the message to others that you can be
dominated.
Many young men instinctively claim territory in these ways, but
most women and older men must remind themselves to do so.
To let people know that you are standing your ground and that
your decision is final, stand behind a table or desk, lean forward
slightly, spread your arms a little away from your body, spread
your fingers apart and plant your fingertips firmly on the surface.
This stance sends an unmistakable message of authority and should
be used by men and women only as a last resort.
Hold your fingers wide when you make hand
gestures. Spreading your fingers sends a strong
signal of confidence, control and domination.
Put on a performance of "cool and collected" even when
you don’t feel it.People gravitate toward those who remain
calm in difficult situations... and avoid those who seem
overemotional and prone to panic. At the start of a potentially
difficult day, silently say to yourself, I might face
problems today, but even if there is yelling and screaming, I am
going to transcend it. When difficult moments arrive, silently tell
yourself, I have a responsibility to be calm to help maintain the
calm. Sending yourself these messages increases the odds
that you will send the nonverbal message, I’m cool,
collected and worth following.
"I’M CONFIDENT.
YOU CAN TRUST WHAT I SAY."
Our signals help determine whether others trust our words...
Steeple your outspread fingers. Steepling
-- touching the fingertips together with hands pointed up and
fingers spread wide -- is an extremely powerful nonverbal signal of
confidence. Jurors are more likely to believe testimony when the
witness steeples, for example. Women, in particular, tend to
underuse steepling.
Warning: Hand wringing or rubbing
interlaced fingers together sends the opposite signal -- that you
lack confidence or feel stress.
Enter rooms without hesitation. Striding
into a room with confidence creates a crucial first impression that
you believe in yourself, so others should believe in you, too. If
you pause or slow down when entering -- even for just a moment to
get your bearings or find your assigned seat -- your hesitation
could be taken as a sign of uncertainty.
Keep your chin up. Holding your chin high
shows that you have the confidence to expose your neck, something
primates don’t do when they feel threatened.
Remove your thumbs from your
pockets. Hooking your thumbs in your pockets when
standing will make you appear insecure. (Hands in the pockets are
okay, but preferably just one, not both.)
"YOU SHOULD HIRE ME"
There are many qualified applicants for almost every job opening
these days. The nonverbal messages applicants send to interviewers
often help determine whether or not they get the job...
Use hand steepling to convey
confidence, as previously discussed.
Sit forward on your chair with both feet on the
floor. Sit back and cross your legs only after the
interviewer does so.
Remain focused on the interviewer’s
face. Your gaze can move around his/her face, but not
around the room, even if the interviewer allows his gaze to wander.
A wandering gaze can send a message of disrespect and is acceptable
only for the higher-status individual in a conversation.
Review where your résumé or other documents are within
your briefcase before the interview. This should help
you retrieve them quickly and smoothly during the interview, if
necessary. People are less likely to trust people who seem
disorganized.
"LET’S CALM DOWN"
Saying "calm down" tends to make people more upset, not calmer.
Better to send nonverbal calming signals including the
following...
Position yourself at an angle to the upset
individual. You are likely to make tense situations
even worse if you position yourself directly face-to-face. Like all
primates, humans tend to feel threatened when "squared off."
Alternative: Take a walk with
this person.
Tilt your head slightly to one
side. Tilting the head exposes the throat, one of the
most vulnerable parts of the human body. When you do it, you send a
strong subconscious message that you feel comfortable and safe, so
everyone else should, too. Tilting your head also communicates that
you are listening intently.
Step back or lean back in your
chair. Creating a few inches of extra space during a
tense moment can lower everyone’s blood pressure.
Uncross your arms or remove your hands from your
hips. These arm positions seem aggressive and angry,
aggravating tense situations.
If you are most comfortable standing with your hands on your
hips, turn your hands so that your thumbs are forward. This makes
you seem inquisitive, not angry.
Cross your legs at the ankles when
standing. The primitive part of the human brain
avoids crossing the legs when it senses danger, in case we need to
flee quickly. When you cross your legs, it says that you are
neither anxious nor distrustful, so no one else present should be
either.
Speak slowly. This will calm you,
increasing the odds that you will convey a sense of calm to
others.
Take a deep breath, then exhale even
slower than you inhaled. This, too, will calm you and encourage
those around you to be calm.
Keep your hands in view. Those around you
are likely to become more anxious during confrontations if your
hands are not where they can be seen. The human brain worries that
a hidden hand could be holding a weapon during a disagreement even
if, rationally, this is extremely unlikely.
Use slow, calm hand movements when you make pacifying
statements.People are more likely to trust and believe you
when your hand motions match your words.
"LET’S BE FRIENDS"
Our nonverbal signals can encourage people to feel a connection
with us -- or these signals can accidentally push them away...
Flash your eyebrows. Immediately upon
making eye contact with someone you want to know better, very
dramatically arch your eyebrows at them for just an instant. This
sends a strong nonverbal signal that he/she matters to you.
Match handshakes and hand
movements. People tend to form positive first
impressions about those who have handshakes like their own. Start
your handshake with moderate pressure, then tighten or lighten your
grip to match the handshake you receive. Mirror the nature and
intensity of this person’s hand movements during the ensuing
conversation, too.
Avoid face-to-face conversations. People
are most likely to feel a close, personal connection with you if
you are positioned at right angles or side by side. If you cross
your legs while seated, cross toward, not away from, the person you
are speaking with. Crossing away sends the message that you are
closed off.