How to Get Along
With People You Don't Like
Dale V. Atkins, PhD
t’s inevitable that at some point we will have
to spend time with people we don’t like. Maybe you don’t like your
spouse’s best friend or your daughter’s boyfriend. Here are some
simple guidelines for getting through these tricky situations...
YOU DON’T GET ALONG WELL WITH A RELATIVE
This is someone you can’t avoid completely but with whom you can
spend only so much time before he/she starts to drive you crazy.
Perhaps your sister is a slob, and you’re very tidy... or you have
a parent you love, but who is overly critical.
With these people, it is best to keep activities confined to
neutral zones, such as going to a movie or a restaurant. Usually,
in these places, conversations don’t get too out of hand. With a
movie, you’ll be able to talk only before and after, though you’re
still spending time together. Also, these activities have built-in
time limits, so you will be spending quality time with someone you
love, but you’ll also be giving yourself an exit.
Keep in mind that while you may be tempted, it’s usually not
worth your time to try to redesign someone’s personality. This
almost always meets with resistance and can lead to fights. Just
try to focus on the best aspects of his/her personality.
YOU DON’T LIKE YOUR PARTNER’S FRIEND
When you don’t like your partner’s friend, it can be difficult
for both you and your partner. First, try your best to see things
through your partner’s eyes, and try to find something you like or
can appreciate about his friend. It can be something as simple as
appreciating his sense of style or a joke he told once.
Let your partner know that it’s OK to do things without you, but
try to attend if there’s an important event in the friend’s life --
for example, a wedding or a party for a promotion.
Never try to turn your partner against his friend. You don’t
have to like him as much as your partner does, but you should
respect the relationship. Don’t be rude or say nasty things about
him.
YOUR PARTNER DOESN’T LIKE YOUR FRIEND
Let your partner know that it is OK to not like your friend, but
it’s not OK to be rude or dismissive to him/her. Ask for the same
respect to be shown to your friends that you show to your partner’s
friends.
Cultivate your relationship with your friend without your
partner, and don’t insist that everyone spend time together.
Sometimes it’s easier to do this during the week, instead of on the
weekend, when you may have family obligations.
YOU DON’T LIKE YOUR CHILD’S SPOUSE
One of the trickiest situations is when your child marries
someone whom you do not like. It can be very hard to hide your
feelings, but for the sake of your relationship with your child,
it’s a good idea. Make every effort to get along with your child’s
spouse, and do your best to care about him/her and show him
respect.
Don’t say anything bad about your child’s spouse. You don’t want
to put your child in the middle of a conflict between you and his
spouse, and it is not fair to make your child choose between you
and the spouse.
If there is a legitimate issue between you and your child’s
spouse -- for example, if she is rude to you in public -- it’s best
to pull her aside at another time and try to work it out.
YOU DON’T AGREE WITH A LOVED ONE’S CHOICES
It’s always hard to see someone you love making bad choices.
Maybe a child is spending too much time partying at college or a
friend is in a damaging relationship.
Talk to him/her in an open way, and share your concerns -- but
don’t pressure and don’t be overly judgmental. Discuss with him the
consequences of his actions. For example, if your child is partying
at school more than studying, there is a real chance that he could
flunk out. Remember that he must choose to change -- you can’t
force that on anyone. Tell him that you love him and that you
always will, but that you don’t agree with his choices.
One way to reduce the stress you feel when seeing a friend or
relative in situations you don’t agree with is to focus on your own
wisdom and be grateful for what you have and who you are.
YOU DON’T LIKE YOUR HOUSEGUEST
Sometimes there’s no way to avoid having your castle invaded by
people who get under your skin -- whether it is your partner’s old
college roommate or your great-aunt Helen.
Try to carve out some time for yourself. Find something relaxing
and recharging that you love to do. Take a quiet walk by
yourself... have a relaxing bath... or meditate.
It may help to put your guests to work if they are staying with
you for more than a few days. Having them do some dishes or fold
some laundry can help to greatly reduce your own stress level. If
you have less stress and less work to do, you might even enjoy your
guests.