Turn Small Talk into Big Deals
Don Gabor
Small talk is widely considered a waste of time. Used
properly, however, it can be a great way to find new business
clients, network for a new job and/or form new friendships.
When we engage in chitchat, we send the message that we are open
for communication... we build trust and rapport with strangers...
and we identify areas of common interest, the building blocks for
lasting relationships.
Here’s how to move from small talk to productive dialog in just
minutes, using eight simple steps...
1. Establish eye contact, then raise a nonthreatening
small-talk topic. The best topics usually are found
in the immediate vicinity -- where you are and what’s going on
around you are two things that you are certain to have in common
with people you meet.
Examples: If someone is walking a
dog, ask about the dog’s breed. If you’re both in line at the bank,
mention the length or speed of the line or the quality of the bank
in general.
Warning: If your small-talk topic
could be construed as a complaint -- such as the slow speed of a
bank line -- phrase it in a lighthearted, joking manner. People are
less likely to want to interact with you if you seem
negative.
2. Target the person’s interests, and match his/her
communications style.Your primary goal early in small talk
is to make those you speak with feel comfortable. Does this person
perk up when a particular topic comes up? Steer the dialog that way
even if it’s not what you want to discuss. Is this person
immediately open and warm or initially cool and reserved? Match his
conversation style, body language and speaking tone.
Exception: Smile whether or not your
conversation partner smiles back.
3. Listen for a key word (or phrase) that is
in some way related to the topic that you would prefer to discuss
with this person.
Example: If the person you’re
chatting with is a potential employer and you need a job, listen
for words such
as employee, staff, hiring,
manpower, associates,productivity or
anything related to being busy or working long hours.
4. Refer back to this key word at the next natural break in
the conversation.Subtly remind the person you are talking
with that he/she said this word, then ask an open-ended question
related to it that encourages the other person to speak. This
creates the impression that your conversation partner raised the
subject, not you -- which makes it less likely that this person
will resist the transition... or that he will become annoyed with
you later if it becomes clear that you have a self-serving motive
for discussing this subject.
Examples: Say, "You mentioned going
in to the office this Sunday -- is business that brisk?" if your
goal is to steer the conversation toward giving you a job
interview. Or, "You mentioned the cold weather. Is your house hard
to heat?" if you run a furnace-cleaning business.
5. Determine what the person believes he needs related to
your topic of interest. Once you’ve steered the chat
to the topic you wish to discuss, ask probing, open-ended questions
that get at what your conversation partner needs in this
area.
Examples: If your goal is to land a
job interview, try to get potential employers to discuss what their
companies most need. If your goal is to convince a neighbor to take
better care of his lawn, steer the conversation toward landscaping
or home maintenance, then encourage the neighbor to talk about what
he needs to better handle these chores.
Probing questions include, "What are your biggest challenges with
that?"... "Why is that a problem?"... "In the best of all possible
worlds, what would you like to have happen?"... "What do you see as
your options?"... "How is your current approach working?"
At this stage, do not attempt to offer solutions to any challenges
mentioned (unless you are invited to do so)... and do not criticize
the person’s past or current strategies. Simply listen and think to
yourself, How could I help this person solve this
problem?
6. Link yourself to the person’s
needs. Mention similar situations that you have been
involved with in the past... or research that you have done in the
area.
Resist the urge to bombard your listener with your experience or
suggestions -- this comes across as pushy. Just provide a thumbnail
sketch of your relevant background, then wait for the person to ask
for your assistance or advice.
Example: "That’s interesting. I’ve
worked as a consultant for 20 years, and I see companies facing
precisely that issue all the time."
If the person does not ask for your advice or assistance, take it
as a hint that he does not want to discuss the matter any
further.
Backup plan: If you cannot serve as
the solution to this person’s needs, think about who else you know
who could help. Making a referral could establish you as someone
who has this person’s interests in mind, strengthening the
relationship.
7. Postpone further discussions if the person wants to get
down to business right away and there are others
present. Exchange business cards or phone numbers,
and set an appointment to consider the matter in greater depth,
ideally within a week. Declining to discuss serious matters in
social settings prevents alienating others present... and reduces
the impression that you were angling for this all along (even if
you were).
8. Before parting, shift the conversation to something else
that you have in common with this person. It’s okay
if this is something minor that’s completely unrelated to the
matter you have been discussing. People who have multiple areas of
common interest are much more likely to see one another as
potential friends and allies than those who have only one thing in
common.
Example: "Is that Cadillac CTS
yours? I drive a Cadillac myself."