Most of us must face the disappointment of not having all of
our dreams come true. The fact that we experience failure does not
make us failures -- although the way in which we respond to our
failures could do exactly that. Here’s what to do when you have
trouble getting past life’s disappointments...
Remember for whom you are working --
you. The promotion you had hoped for went to
someone else... your family doesn’t appreciate the many things
you do for them. It is natural to feel disappointment when
things like this occur, but our mistake is to rely on others
for validation. We should work hard because to do any less
would be letting ourselves down. We should work hard for the
sake of our own sense of integrity and knowing we have done
our best.
Understand that those who have never been
disappointed are the real failures. People who
achieve everything they set out to achieve in life obviously
have set their bars too low. We achieve more if we aim high --
though this also means that we will be disappointed more
often, because lofty goals are difficult to reach. Understand
that disappointments are inevitable when we strive for
greatness, and consider your life successful if you accomplish
just a fraction of your goals.
Escape the isolation of
disappointment. We feel alone when we lose a
loved one... suffer a life-threatening illness... or
experience a major financial setback. Our loneliness then
drives us further into despair. Example: My
wife and I saw only happy families around us when one of our
children was seriously ill. Not until after our child had died
did we discover that other families we knew had gone through
similar ordeals.
A tragedy does not separate us from everyone else. Sharing our
grief brings us closer to the brotherhood of the afflicted, a huge
club consisting of everyone who has ever endured pain or inequity.
Our misfortune even makes us qualified to help other grieving
people. Assisting others can get us past the sense of helplessness
that often comes with major disappointments.
Keep disappointments in
perspective. Try to remember what was worrying
you two weeks ago. Many people cannot. Most disappointments
are less consequential than we feel they are at the time.
Psychiatrist George Vaillant, MD, director of the Harvard
Study of Adult Development, which followed 800 men for five
decades, found that it is not the bad things that happen to us
that stay with us in life -- it is the good people we meet
along the way. People who handle misfortune best are the ones
who focus not on what happened to them but on all the people
who rallied around them when it happened.
Fashion a new dream. There’s no
reason that you have to let the failure of one dream stop you
from dreaming -- and trying. The experience you have gained
can help you create a new, more realistic and achievable
dream. Example: When Al Gore lost the
presidential election, he recast his dream. He moved from
politics to environmentalism, producing a highly acclaimed
documentary on global warming called An Inconvenient
Truth. His success and impact have been tremendous since
his “failure.”
Get angry with God. Some people
consider it wrong to get angry with God. I believe that if we
cannot get angry with God, then we have a constrained,
artificial relationship with God.
When the world disappoints you, go ahead and blame God. Vent your
anger, and bemoan the inequity. Voicing unhappiness with life’s
disappointments brings you closer to moving beyond them. God does
not mind. He will continue to stand by you no matter how angry you
become. God understands that you really are getting mad at your
misfortune, not at Him.
WHEN OTHER PEOPLE DISAPPOINT US
The friends, coworkers and loved ones on whom we rely sometimes
will disappoint us. Two ways to forgive them...
Don’t focus on the
mistake. Before ending a relationship based on a
single failure -- however great -- consider this person in
full. Think about who he/she has been in the past and who he
can become in the future. Example: A
husband cheats on his wife. The wife might choose to end the
relationship, but she also might choose to view this as a
single error from a loving but flawed partner.
Consider forgiveness a favor that you do for
yourself. People often believe that if they
forgive those who have wronged them, the transgressors “get
away with” the misdeeds. But forgiveness benefits you more
than the transgressor. Offering forgiveness removes a heavy
burden that you have been carrying around. It cleanses your
soul and eases your pain. The sooner you forgive, the sooner
you can move on from your disappointment.