Where to flirt
Parties
Flirting is most socially acceptable at parties, celebrations
and social occasions/functions. At some such events (e.g.
Christmas/New Year parties) a degree of flirtatious behaviour is
not only socially sanctioned, but almost expected.
This is because most parties, celebrations, carnivals and
festivals are governed by a special code of behaviour which
anthropologists call 'cultural remission' – a temporary, structured
relaxation of normal social controls and restrictions.
This might just sound like a fancy way of saying 'letting your
hair down', but it isn't. 'Cultural remission' does not mean
abandoning all your inhibitions, letting rip and behaving exactly
as you please. There are rules of behaviour at even the wildest
carnival – although they may involve a complete reversal of normal,
everyday social etiquette. Flirtatious behaviour which is normally
frowned upon may be actively required, and prissy refusal to
participate may incur disapproval.
Drinking-places
Flirting is also socially acceptable in some public settings,
usually where alcohol is served – such as bars, pubs, night-clubs,
discos, wine bars, restaurants, etc. One survey showed that 27% of
British couples first met their current partner in a pub, and
alcohol was voted the most effective aid to flirting by respondents
in the Martini Flirting Survey.
Flirting in drinking-places is, however, subject to more
conditions and restrictions than at parties. In pubs, for example,
the area around the bar counter is universally understood to be the
'public zone', where initiating conversation with a stranger is
acceptable, whereas sitting at a table usually indicates a greater
desire for privacy. Tables furthest from the bar counter are the
most 'private' zones.
As a rule-of-thumb, the more food-oriented establishments or
'zones' tend to discourage flirting between strangers, while those
dedicated to drinking or dancing offer more socially sanctioned
flirting opportunities. Restaurants and food-oriented or 'private'
zones within drinking-places are more conducive to flirting between
established partners.
Learning-places
Schools, colleges, universities and other educational
establishments are hot-beds of flirting. This is largely because
they are full of young single people making their first attempts at
mate selection.
Learning-places are also particularly conducive to flirting
because the shared lifestyle and concerns of students, and the
informal atmosphere, make it easy for them to initiate conversation
with each other. Simply by being students, flirting partners
automatically have a great deal in common, and do not need to
struggle to find topics of mutual interest.
Flirting is officially somewhat more restricted in
learning-places than in drinking-places, as education is supposed
to take priority over purely social concerns, but in many cases the
difference is not very noticeable. Taking a course or evening class
may in fact provide more opportunities for relaxed, enjoyable
flirting than frequenting bars and night-clubs.
Workplace
At work, flirting is usually acceptable only in certain areas,
with certain people and at specific times or occasions. There are
no universal laws: each workplace or working environment has its
own unwritten etiquette governing flirtatious behaviour.
In some companies, the coffee machine or cafeteria may be the
unofficial 'designated flirting zones', other companies may frown
on any flirting during office hours, or between managers and staff,
while some may have a long-standing tradition of jokingly
flirtatious morning greetings.
Careful observation of colleagues is the best way to discover
the unspoken flirting etiquette of your own workplace – but make
sure that you are guided by the behaviour of the most highly
regarded individuals in the company, not the office 'clown',
'groper' or 'bimbo'.
Participant sports/hobbies
Almost any participant sport or hobby can involve flirting. The
level of flirtatious behaviour, however, often tends to be
inversely related to the standards achieved by participants and
their enthusiasm for the activity.
You will generally find a lot of flirting among incompetent
tennis players, unfit swimmers, cack-handed potters, etc., but
somewhat less among more proficient, serious, competitive
participants in the same activities. There are of course exceptions
to this rule, but before joining a team or club, it is worth trying
to find out if the members have burning ambitions to play in the
national championships or win prestigious awards for their
handiwork. If you are mainly looking for flirting opportunities,
avoid these high-flying groups, and seek out clubs full of happy,
sociable under-achievers.
Spectator events
Although they have the advantage of providing conversation
topics of mutual interest, most sporting events and other spectator
pastimes such as theatre or cinema are not particularly conducive
to flirting, as social interaction is not the primary purpose of
the occasion, and social contact may limited to a short interval or
require 'missing the action'.
The most striking exception to this rule is horseracing, where
all the 'action' takes place in just a few minutes, the half-hour
interval between races is dedicated to sociability, and friendly
interaction between strangers is actively encouraged by racecourse
etiquette. In fact, our own recent research on the behaviour of
racegoers indicates that the 'social micro-climate' of the
racecourse makes it one of the best flirting environments in
Britain.
Who to flirt with
'Flirting for fun'
At one level, you can flirt with more or less anyone. An
exchange of admiring glances or a bit of light-hearted flirtatious
banter can brighten the day, raise self-esteem and strengthen
social bonds. Flirtation at this level is harmless fun, and only
the stuffiest killjoys could possibly have any objections.
Clearly, it makes sense to exercise a degree of caution with
people who are married or attached. Most people in long-term
relationships can cope with a bit of admiration, and may even
benefit from knowing that others find them or their partners
attractive, but couples differ in their tolerance of flirtatious
behaviour, and it is important to be alert to signs of discomfort
or distress.
Research has also shown that men have a tendency to mistake
friendly behaviour for sexual flirting. This is not because they
are stupid or deluded, but because they tend to see the world in
more sexual terms than women. There is also evidence to suggest
that women are naturally more socially skilled than men, better at
interpreting people's behaviour and responding appropriately.
Indeed, scientists have recently claimed that women have a special
'diplomacy gene' which men lack.
This means that women need to be particularly careful to avoid
sending ambiguous signals in interactions with married men, and men
need to be aware that married/attached males may misinterpret
friendly behaviour towards their wives/girlfriends. Otherwise,
light-hearted flirtation is both harmless and enjoyable.
'Flirting with intent'
But flirting is also an essential element of the mate-selection
process, and when you are 'flirting with intent', rather than just
'flirting for fun', you need to be a bit more selective about your
choice of target.
In mate-selection flirting, there are two basic rules about who
to flirt with that will increase your chances of success and reduce
the likelihood of embarrassing rejections.
1. Do initiate flirtation with people of roughly the same
level of attractiveness as yourself?
This will give you the best chance of compatability. Most
successful marriages and long-term relationships are between
partners of more or less equal good looks. There is some leeway, of
course, and other qualities are also important, but statistically,
relationships where one partner is much more attractive than the
other tend to be less successful. Studies have shown that the more
evenly matched partners are in their attractiveness, the more
likely they are to stay together.
But evaluating your own attractiveness may be difficult.
Research has shown that many women have a poor body-image, and
often underestimate their attractiveness. Some recent studies
indicate, for example, that up to 80% of adult women believe that
they are too fat, and try to achieve a figure that is around two
sizes smaller than the body-size men find most desirable. If you
are female, the odds are that you are more attractive than you
think, so try flirting with some better-looking men.
Men generally tend to be less critical of their own physical
appearance than women. This is partly because standards of beauty
for males are much less rigid than for females, and a wider variety
of shapes and features are considered attractive. But it must be
said that some men are also inclined to overestimate their
attractiveness. If you are a more honest male, and do not consider
yourself good-looking, remember that most men lack expertise in the
subtleties of social interaction, so polishing up your flirting
skills could give you the edge over a more attractive rival.
2. Don't flirt with people who are unlikely to return your
interest.
Even if you are not looking for a long-term mate, you will enjoy
flirting more with someone who is interested in you. So it makes
sense to approach people who are likely to see you as at least a
possible partner, rather than those likely to dismiss you as
unsuitable.
Evolution has favoured males who select young, attractive mates
and females who select partners with power, wealth and status. Men
therefore naturally tend to seek women who are younger than them
and place greater emphasis on physical beauty, while women are more
likely to favour older males with higher status and earning
potential. Women also tend to prefer men who are taller than them.
Analysis of thousands of personal ads – where people are more
explicit about their requirements, and more obviously conscious of
the requirements of others – shows that these are the qualities
most frequently demanded and offered by mate-seekers.
Short, low-status males and older, less attractive females may
therefore be a bit more restricted in their choice of potential
partners, although there are many exceptions to this rule, and
confidence and charm can outweigh apparent disadvantages.
In the How to Flirt section, you will find tips on how to tell
immediately, even from across a crowded room, whether someone is
likely to return your interest or not.
How to flirt
The first key to successful flirting is not an ability to show
off and impress, but the knack of conveying that you like someone.
If your 'target' knows that you find him or her interesting and
attractive, he or she will be more inclined to like you.
Although this simple fact has been demonstrated in countless
studies and experiments, you don't really need scientists to prove
it. You already know that when you are told someone fancies you, or
hear that someone has praised or admired you, your interest in that
person automatically increases – even if it is someone you have
never met!
Conveying that you like someone, and judging whether or not the
attraction is mutual, clearly involves a combination of verbal and
non-verbal communication skills.
When asked about flirting, most people – particularly men –
focus on the verbal element: the 'chatting-up', the problems of
knowing what to say, finding the right words, etc. In fact, the
non-verbal element – body-language, tone of voice, etc. – is much
more important, particularly in the initial stages of a
flirtation.
When you first meet new people, their initial impression of you
will be based 55% on your appearance and body-language, 38% on your
style of speaking and only 7% on what you actually say.
Also, their non-verbal signals will tell you much more about
their feelings towards you than the words they use. We show
attitudes such as liking and disliking not by what we say but by
the way we say it and the posture, gestures and expressions that
accompany our speech.
The customary polite greeting "pleased to meet you", for
example, can convey anything from 'I find you really attractive' to
'I am not the slightest bit interested in you', depending on the
tone of voice, facial expression, position and posture of the
speaker.
Non-verbal flirting
When a man and a woman meet for the first time, both are in a
difficult, ambiguous and potentially risky situation. Neither
person knows what the other's intentions and feelings are. Because
stating intentions and feelings verbally involves a high risk of
embarrassment or possible rejection, non-verbal behaviour becomes
the main channel of communication. Unlike the spoken word, body
language can signal invitation, acceptance or refusal without being
too obvious, without causing offence or making binding
commitments.
Warning: some of the non-verbal flirting techniques outlined in
this section are very powerful signals, and should be used with
caution. Women should be particularly careful when using signals of
interest and attraction. Men already tend to mistake friendliness
for flirting; if your signals of interest are too direct and
obvious, they will mistake them for sexual availability.
Eye contact
Your eyes are probably your most important flirting tool. We
tend to think of our eyes mainly as a means of receiving
information, but they are also extremely high-powered transmitters
of vital social signals. How you look at another person, meet his
or her gaze and look away can make all the difference between a
successful, enjoyable flirtation and an embarrassing or hurtful
encounter.
Eye contact – looking directly into the eyes of another person –
is such a powerful, emotionally loaded act of communication that we
normally restrict it to very brief glances. Prolonged eye contact
between two people indicates intense emotion, and is either an act
of love or an act of hostility. It is so disturbing that in normal
social encounters, we avoid eye contacts of more than one second.
Among a crowd of strangers in a public setting, eye contacts will
generally last only a fraction of second, and most people will
avoid making any eye contact at all.
This is very good news for anyone wishing to initiate a
flirtation with an attractive stranger. Even from across a crowded
room at a party, you can signal your interest in someone merely by
making eye contact and attempting to hold your target's gaze for
more than one second (not too much more, though, or you will seem
threatening). If your target maintains eye contact with you for
more than one second, the chances are that he/she might return your
interest. If after this initial contact, your target looks away
briefly and then looks back to meet your gaze a second time, you
can safely assume that he/she is interested. If these eye contacts
trigger a smile, you can approach your target with some
confidence.
If, on the other hand, your target avoids making eye contact
with you, or looks away after a fraction of a second and does not
look back again, you should probably assume that your interest is
not returned. There is still the possibility that your target is
just a very shy person – and some females may be understandably
wary of signalling any interest in male strangers. The only way to
find out is by close observation of your target's behaviour towards
others. Does she consistently avoid direct eye-contact with men?
Does he seem nervous, anxious or aloof in his interactions with
other women? If so, your target's reluctance to meet your gaze may
be nothing personal, and it might be worth approaching, but only
with considerable caution.
Once you have approached your target, you will need to make eye
contact again in order to strike up a conversation. As soon as your
eyes meet, you may begin to speak. Once a conversation begins, it
is normal for eye contact to be broken as the speaker looks away.
In conversations, the person who is speaking looks away more than
the person who is listening, and turn-taking is governed by a
characteristic pattern of looking, eye contact and looking
away.
So, to signal that you have finished speaking and invite a
response, you then look back at your target again. To show interest
while your target is speaking, you need to look at his/her face
about three-quarters of the time, in glances lasting between one
and seven seconds. The person speaking will normally look at you
for less than half this time, and direct eye contact will be
intermittent, rarely lasting more than one second. When your target
has finished speaking, and expects a response, he or she will look
at you and make brief eye contact again to indicate that it is your
turn.
The basic rules for pleasant conversation are: glance at the
other person's face more when you are listening, glance away more
when you are speaking and make brief eye contact to initiate
turn-taking. The key words here are 'glance' and 'brief': avoid
prolonged staring either at the other person or away.
The most common mistake people make when flirting is to overdo
the eye contact in a premature attempt to increase intimacy. This
only makes the other person feel uncomfortable, and may send
misleading signals. Some men also blow their chances by carrying on
a conversation with a woman's breasts, rather than looking at her
face.
Interpersonal distance
The distance you keep from the other person when flirting is
important, because it will affect his or her impression of you, and
the quality of your interaction. Perhaps even more importantly,
paying attention to the other person's use of distance will tell
you a great deal about his/her reactions and feelings towards
you.
When you first approach an attractive stranger, having
established at least an indication of mutual interest through eye
contact, try to make eye contact again at about 4ft away, before
moving any closer. At 4 ft (about two small steps away), you are on
the borderline between what are known as the 'social zone' (4 to 12
ft) and the 'personal zone' (18in to 4ft).
If you receive a positive response at 4ft, move in to 'arm's
length' (about 2ft 6in). If you try to approach much closer than
this, particularly if you try to cross the 18in 'personal
zone/intimate zone' border, your target may feel uncomfortable. The
'intimate zone' (less than 18in) is reserved for lovers, family and
very close friends. If you are close enough to whisper and be
heard, you are probably too close for comfort.
These distance rules apply particularly in face-to-face
encounters. We will tolerate reduced interpersonal distances when
we are side by side with someone. This is because when you are
alongside someone, it is easier to use other aspects of body
language, such as turning away or avoiding eye contact, to 'limit'
your level of involvement with the other person.
You can therefore approach a bit closer than 'arm's length' if
you are alongside your target – at the bar counter of a pub, for
example – rather than face-to-face. But be careful to avoid
'intrusive' body-language such as prolonged eye contact or
touching.
If you have misjudged the appropriate distance, in either a
face-to-face or side-by-side encounter, the other person's
discomfort may show in his/her body language. Your target may
attempt to turn away or avert his/her gaze to avoid eye contact.
You may also see 'barrier signals' such as folded or tightly
crossed legs, or rubbing the neck with the elbow pointed towards
you. If you see any of these signs, back off!
Finally, remember that different people have different reactions
to distance. If your target is from a Mediterranean or Latin
American country (known as the 'contact cultures'), he or she may
be comfortable with closer distances than a British or Northern
European person. North Americans fall somewhere between these two
extremes. Different personality-types may also react differently to
your approach: extroverts and those who generally feel at ease in
company will be comfortable with closer distances than introverts
and shy or nervous types. Even the same person may vary in
tolerance from day to day, according to mood: when we are feeling
depressed or irritable, we find close distances more
uncomfortable.
Posture
Most of us are quite good at controlling our faces – maintaining
an expression of polite interest, for example, when we are really
bored to tears, or even nodding when we really disagree! But we
tend to be less conscious of what the rest of our body is doing. We
may be smiling and nodding, but unconsciously revealing our
disagreement by a tense posture with tightly folded arms. This is
known as 'non-verbal leakage': while we're busy controlling our
words and faces, our real feelings 'leak out' in our posture.
When flirting, you should therefore watch out for signs of this
'non-verbal leakage' in your partner's posture – and try to send
the right signals with your own posture.
Your partner's 'non-verbal leakage' can give you advance warning
that your chat-up isn't working. If only his/her head is turned
towards you, with the rest of the body oriented in another
direction, this is a sign that you do not have your partner's full
attention. Even just the feet starting to turn and 'point' away
from you can be a sign that his/her attention is directed
elsewhere, or that he/she is thinking about moving away. Leaning
backwards and supporting the head on one hand are signs of boredom.
'Closed' postures with arms folded and legs tightly crossed
indicate disagreement or dislike.
More positive signs to watch out for would be a partner's body
oriented towards you, particularly if he/she is also leaning
forward, and an 'open' posture. These are signs of attentiveness
and interest or liking. Experiments have also shown that females
are more likely to tilt their heads to one side when they are
interested in the person they are talking to. Men should beware,
however, of automatically assuming that these signs indicate sexual
interest. Women should be aware of men's tendency to make such
assumptions, and avoid signalling interest too obviously.
Another positive sign is what psychologists call 'postural
congruence' or 'postural echo': when your partner unconsciously
adopts a posture similar to yours. Mirror-image postural echoes –
where one person's left side 'matches' the other person's right
side – are the strongest indication of harmony and rapport between
the pair. If the position of your partner's body and limbs appear
to 'echo' or 'mimic' your own, particularly if his/her posture is a
mirror image of yours, the chances are that he/she feels an
affinity with you.
When flirting, you can also use postural echo to create a
feeling of togetherness and harmony. Experiments have shown that
although people are not consciously aware of someone deliberately
'echoing' their postures, they will evaluate a person who does this
more favourably. If you 'echo' your partner's postures, he/she will
not only feel more at ease in your company, but will perceive you
as more like-minded.
This technique obviously has its limits. We would not suggest,
for example, that a woman in a mini-skirt should 'echo' the
open-legged sitting posture of her male companion. But if he is
leaning forward with his left forearm resting on the table, she
could create a sense of common identity by 'mirroring' this aspect
of his posture – leaning forward with her right forearm on the
table.
In addition to these 'generic' signals of interest, there are
specifically male and female posture signals which are often seen
in flirtatious encounters. These tend to be postures which enhance
the masculine or dominant appearance of the male, and the
femininity of the female. Males may adopt postures which make them
appear taller, larger and more impressive, such as placing hands in
pockets with elbows out to enlarge the chest, or leaning one hand
at above shoulder height on a wall to appear taller and more
imposing. Females either adopt postures which make them look
smaller, such as drawing the knees towards the body when seated, or
postures which draw attention to physical attributes attractive to
males, such as arching the back to display the breasts, or crossing
and re-crossing the legs to draw attention to them.
Gestures
As well as overall body posture, the gestures we use can signal
interest, attraction and invitation – or discomfort, dislike and
rejection.
When flirting, it is important to be aware of these non-verbal
cues, both in 'reading' your partner's body-language and in
controlling the messages you are sending with your own
gestures.
In conversation, gestures are mainly used to enliven, clarify
and 'punctuate' our speech, or to show responsiveness to what the
other person is saying. In a flirtatious encounter, the amount of
gesticulation, the directions of the gestures and the co-ordination
of gestures can indicate the degree of interest and involvement
your partner feels towards you.
Different cultures vary widely in the amount of gesticulation
that accompanies their speech (Italians say that you can silence an
Italian by tying his hands behind his back), and even within a
single culture, some people naturally express themselves more
through gestures than others. Generally, however, someone who is
interested in you will be more lively and animated in conversation,
using more gestures when speaking in order to keep your attention,
and more responsive gestures to show interest when you are
speaking.
Similarly, you can signal interest in your partner, and keep
his/her attention focused on you, by enhancing your speech with
appropriate gestures: shifting your hands or head slightly at the
end of sentences, using downward hand movements to emphasise a
point, 'projecting' what you are saying towards your partner by
open-palm hand movements and so on. When your partner is speaking,
you can show responsiveness by nodding in agreement, throwing up
your hands in surprise, bringing them together in a 'silent clap'
of appreciation, etc.
Researchers have found that nodding can be used to 'regulate'
conversations. If you make single, brief nods while your partner is
speaking, these act as simple signs of attentiveness, which will
maintain the flow of communication from the speaker. Double nods
will change the rate at which the other person speaks, usually
speeding up the flow, while triple nods or single, slow nods often
interrupt the flow altogether, confusing speakers so much that they
stop in their tracks. So, if you want to express interest and keep
your partner chatting with you, stick to brief single nods.
You can also watch for gestures which indicate anxiety and
nervousness, such as hand-clasping movements and palm-rubbing. As a
general rule, anxious gestures are directed towards the anxious
person's own body (known as 'proximal' movements), while 'distal'
movements, directed away from the body, are a sign of confidence.
As well as watching for these signals in your partner, you can
control the impression you are making by using more confident,
'distal' gestures.
As with posture, the greatest involvement and harmony is
achieved when gestures are synchronised – when the movements of one
person are echoed or reflected by the other. You may have noticed
that this tends to happen naturally between people who like each
other and get on well together. Watch pairs of lovers in a bar or
pub, and you will see that they often tend to lift their drinks and
take a sip at the same time, and that many of their other body
movements and gestures will be similarly synchronised.
Psychologists call this 'interactional synchrony' or 'gestural
dance', and some of their research findings indicate that the
timing of matched gestures may be accurate down to fractions of a
second.
Although this synchronisation normally happens without conscious
effort, you can use it as a highly effective flirting technique. If
you feel the conversation is not flowing easily, or you and partner
seem awkward and uncomfortable with each other, try to be more
sensitive to the patterns of his/her gestures and body movements,
and to reflect these in your own body language.
If your partner spontaneously begins to synchronise his/her body
language with yours, this is a sign that he/she feels comfortable
with you. Men should not assume that it necessarily indicates
sexual interest, however. Women can avoid creating this impression
by reducing synchronisation, adopting a more 'closed' posture and
avoiding the use of gestures which are specifically associated with
flirtatious behaviour. In experiments, female hair-flipping and
head-tossing were among the (non-contact) gestures most often
regarded as sexually flirtatious, along with repeated leg-crossing
and movements designed to draw attention to the breasts.
Facial expression
An ability to 'read' and interpret the facial expressions of
your partner will improve your chances of successful flirting, as
will awareness of what you are signalling with your own
expressions.
Some expressions can be effective even from a distance, as in
the 'across a crowded room' encounter with a stranger. The
'eyebrow-flash', for example, which involves raising the eyebrows
very briefly – for about one-sixth of a second – is used almost
universally as a long-distance greeting signal. When you see
someone you know, but are not near enough to speak, the
eyebrow-flash shows that you have noticed and recognised them.
We all use this non-verbal "Hello!" in situations where we
cannot use the verbal equivalent, either because of distance or
social convention. Watch a video of Andrew and Fergie's wedding,
for example, and you will see that Fergie performs frequent
eyebrow-flashes as she walks down the aisle. Social etiquette does
not allow a bride to call out cheery greetings to her friends and
relations during the ceremony, but the highly sociable Fergie is
clearly unable to refrain from signalling the same greetings with
her eyebrows.
If you are desperate to attract the attention of an attractive
stranger across a crowded party, you could try an eyebrow-flash.
This should make your target think that you must be a friend or
acquaintance, even though he or she does not recognise you. When
you approach, your target may thus already be wondering who you
are. You can, if you are skilful, use this confusion to initiate a
lively discussion about where you might have met before. Such
conversations inevitably centre on possible shared interests or
friends or habits, and invariably involve mutual disclosure of at
least some personal information. As you will learn from the 'Verbal
flirting' sections of this Guide, these are essential ingredients
of successful flirting. So, assuming your target finds you
attractive, an eyebrow-flash with appropriate follow-up could
leapfrog you into instant intimacy.
Two warnings are necessary here: 1) If your target does not find
you attractive, the eyebrow-flash strategy may backfire, as the
confusion over whether or not you already know each other will be
experienced as unpleasant and annoying, rather than amusing. 2) Do
not use the eyebrow-flash in Japan, where it has definite sexual
connotations and is therefore never used as a greeting signal.
If your target is attracted to you, this may be more evident in
facial expressions than in words. Studies have found that women are
generally better than men at reading these expressions, but that
both sexes have equal difficulty in seeing through people's
expressions when they are controlling their faces to hide their
real feelings.
The problem is that although faces do express genuine feelings,
any facial expression that occurs naturally can also be produced
artificially for a social purpose. Smiles and frowns, to take the
most obvious examples, can be spontaneous expressions of happiness
or anger, but they can also be manufactured as deliberate signals,
such as frowning to indicate doubt or displeasure, smiling to
signal approval or agreement, etc. Feelings can also be hidden
under a 'social' smile, a 'stiff upper lip' or a blank,
'inscrutable' expression.
Despite this potential for 'deceit', we rely more on facial
expressions than on any other aspect of body language. In
conversation, we watch our companions' faces rather than their
hands or feet, and rely on their facial signals to tell us what
effect we are having, and how to interpret what they say. Although
people are better at controlling their facial expressions than
other aspects of body language, there is still some 'leakage', and
the following clues will help you to detect insincerity.
Let's say your target smiles at you. How do you know whether
this smile is spontaneous or manufactured? There are four ways of
telling the difference. First, spontaneous smiles produce
characteristic wrinkles around the eyes, which will not appear if
your target is 'forcing' a smile out of politeness. Second,
'forced' or 'social' smiles tend to be asymmetrical (stronger on
the left side of the face in right-handed people and on the right
side of the face in left-handed people).The third clue to
insincerity is in the timing of the smile: unspontaneous smiles
tend to occur at socially inappropriate moments in the conversation
(e.g. a few seconds after you have made a funny remark, rather than
immediately). Finally, there is a clue in the duration of the
smile, as a manufactured smile tends to be held for longer (what is
often called a 'fixed' smile) and then to fade in an irregular
way.
When observing your target's facial expressions, it is important
to remember that although an expressive face – showing amusement,
surprise, agreement etc. at the appropriate moments – may indicate
that your target returns your interest, people do naturally differ
in their degree and style of emotional expression. Women naturally
tend to smile more than men, for example, and to show emotions more
clearly in their facial expressions.
You are also likely to interpret expressions differently
depending on who is making them. Experiments have shown that people
may read the same expression as 'fear' when they see it on a female
face, but as 'anger' when it appears on male face. There are also
cultural and even regional differences in the amount of emotion
people express with their faces. Oriental people are more likely
than Westerners to hide their emotions under a 'blank' expression
or a smile, for example, and American researchers have found that
in the US, Notherners smile less than people from the South.
If an attractive stranger smiles at you, it could be that he or
she finds you attractive, but he or she could also be an outgoing,
sociable person from a culture or region in which smiling is
commonplace and not particularly meaningful.
These factors must also be taken into account when considering
the effect of your own facial expressions. People tend to be put
off by levels of expressiveness that are considerably higher or
lower than what they are used to, so it could help to try to
'match' the amount of emotion you express with your face to that of
your target.
As a general rule, however, your face should be constantly
informative during a flirtatious conversation. Unexpressiveness – a
blank, unchanging face – will be interpreted as lack of interest
when you are listening and an absence of facial emphasis when you
are speaking will be disturbing and off-putting. You need to show
interest and comprehension when listening, and to promote interest
and comprehension when speaking, through facial signals such as
eyebrows raised to display surprise, as a question mark or for
emphasis; the corners of the mouth turning up in amusement; nodding
to indicate agreement; frowning in puzzlement; smiling to show
approval, or to indicate that what you are saying should not be
taken too seriously, and so on.
Fortunately, most of these facial signals are habitual, and do
not have to be consciously manufactured, but some awareness of your
facial expressions can help you to monitor their effect and make
minor adjustments to put your target more at ease, for example, or
hold his or her attention, or increase the level of intimacy.
Finally, remember that your target is unlikely to be
scrutinising you for tiny signs of insincerity, so a 'social' smile
will be infinitely more attractive than no smile at all.
Touch
Touching is a powerful, subtle and complex form of
communication. In social situations, the language of touch can be
used to convey a surprising variety of messages. Different touches
can be used to express agreement, affection, affiliation or
attraction; to offer support; to emphasise a point; to call for
attention or participation; to guide and direct; to greet; to
congratulate; to establish or reinforce power-relations and to
negotiate levels of intimacy.
Even the most fleeting touch can have a dramatic influence on
our perceptions and relationships. Experiments have shown that even
a light, brief touch on the arm during a brief social encounter
between strangers has both immediate and lasting positive effects.
Polite requests for help or directions, for example, produced much
more positive results when accompanied by a light touch on the
arm.
When flirting, it is therefore important to remember that the
language of touch, if used correctly, can help to advance the
relationship, but that inappropriate use of this powerful tool
could ruin your chances forever.
Although there are considerable differences between cultures in
the levels of touching that are socially acceptable, and different
personalities welcome different levels of touching, we can provide
a few basic rules-of-thumb for first encounters with strangers of
the opposite sex.
The first rule, for both sexes, is: touch, but be careful. Women
are much less comfortable about being touched by an opposite-sex
stranger than men, so men should take care to avoid any touches
which may seem threatening or over-familiar. Men are inclined to
interpret women's friendly gestures as sexual invitations, so women
should be equally careful to avoid giving misleading signals with
over-familiar touches.
This does not mean 'don't touch', as appropriate touching will
have positive benefits, but touching should initially be restricted
to universally acceptable areas and levels. As a general rule, the
arm is the safest place to touch an opposite-sex stranger. (Back
pats are equally non-sexual, but are often perceived as patronising
or overbearing.) A brief, light touch on the arm, to draw
attention, express support or emphasise a point, is likely to be
acceptable and to enhance your companion's positive feelings
towards you.
If even this most innocuous of touches produces a negative
reaction – such as pulling the arm away, increasing distance,
frowning, turning away or other expressions of displeasure or
anxiety – you might as well give up now. Unless your companion is
exceptionally shy and reserved, negative reactions to a simple
arm-touch probably indicate dislike or distrust.
If your companion finds you likeable or attractive, a brief
arm-touch should prompt some reciprocal increase in intimacy. This
may not be as obvious as a return of your arm-touch, but watch for
other positive body-language signals, such as increased
eye-contact, moving closer to you, more open posture or postural
echo, more smiling, etc. Your arm-touch may even prompt an increase
in verbal intimacy, so listen for any disclosure of personal
information, or more personal questions.
If you see or hear signs of a positive reaction to your
arm-touch, you can, after a reasonable interval, try another
arm-touch, this time slightly less fleeting. If this results in a
further escalation of verbal or non-verbal intimacy from your
companion, you might consider moving to the next stage: a
hand-touch.
Remember that a hand-touch, unless it is the conventional
handshake of greeting or parting, is much more personal than an
arm-touch. By touching your companion's hand, you are opening
negotiations towards a higher degree of intimacy, so keep it light
and brief: a question, not an order.
A negative reaction to your hand-touch, such as the non-verbal
signals of displeasure or anxiety mentioned above, does not
necessarily mean that your companion dislikes you, but it is a
clear indication that your attempt to advance to the next level of
intimacy is either premature or unwelcome. A very positive
reaction, involving a significant increase in verbal or non-verbal
intimacy, can be taken as permission to try another hand-touch at
an appropriate moment.
Highly positive reactions to a second hand-touch – such as a
definite and unambiguous attempt to move closer to you, reciprocal
arm- and hand-touching, along with significantly more personal
questions, more disclosure of personal information and more
expression of emotion – can be taken as permission to proceed, with
caution, to a higher level of intimacy. The next stages might
involve a hand-squeeze or hand-hold, repeated twice before moving
on to an arm over the shoulders, or perhaps a brief knee-touch.
(Males should note, however, that positive reactions to any of
these touches can not be taken as permission to grope.)
You will have noticed that we advise performing each touch two
times before progressing to the next level. This is because
repeating the same touch, perhaps with a slightly longer duration,
allows you to check that reactions are still positive, that you
were not mistaken in your judgement that the touch was acceptable.
The repetition also tells your companion that the first touch was
not accidental or unconscious, that you are consciously negotiating
for an increase in intimacy. Repeating the same touch before moving
to the next level is a non-verbal way of saying "Are you
sure?".
Vocal signals
You may be surprised to see this heading in the 'Non-verbal
flirting' section, but 'verbal' means 'words' and vocal signals
such as tone of voice, pitch, volume, speed of speech, etc. are
like body-language in that they are not about what you say, the
words you use, but about how you say it.
We noted at the beginning of this 'non-verbal' section that
people's first impressions of you are based 55% on your appearance
and body language, 38% on your style of speaking and only 7% on
what you actually say. In other words, body-language may be your
most important 'flirting tool', but vocal signals come a very close
second. The more you think about that 38%, the more concerned you
will be to ensure that your vocal signals make the best possible
impression. An ability to 'read' the vocal signals of the person
you are flirting with will also help you to find out how he or she
really feels about you.
Attraction and interest, for example, are communicated much more
by the tone of voice than by what is actually said. Depending on
the tone, volume, speed and pitch, even a simple phrase such as
"Good evening" can convey anything from "Wow, you're gorgeous" to
"I find you totally uninteresting and I'm looking for an excuse to
get away from you as quickly as possible".
If your target gives you a deep-toned, low pitched, slow,
drawn-out "Good evening", with a slight rising intonation at the
end, as though asking a question, this is probably an indication of
attraction or at least interest. If you get a short, high-pitched,
clipped "Good evening", or a monotone, expressionless version, your
target is probably not interested in you.
Once you are in conversation, remember that the intonation of
even a single word can communicate an immense variety of emotions
and meanings. As an experiment, try practising variations in your
intonation of the one-word response "Yeah", and you will find that
you can communicate anything from enthusiastic agreement to
grudging acceptance to varying degrees of scepticism to total
disbelief.
If you speak in a monotone, with little variation in pitch, pace
or tone of voice, you will be perceived as boring and dull, even if
what you are saying is truly fascinating or exceptionally amusing.
Loud volume, a booming tone and too much variation in pitch will
make you seem overbearing. Speak too quietly or too slowly and you
will seem submissive or even depressed. Aim for moderation in
volume and tone, with enough variation in pitch and pace to hold
your companion's interest.
Also remember that a rising or falling intonation, especially
when accompanied by a drop in volume, is a 'turn-yielding cue',
whereby speakers signal that they have finished what they are
saying and are ready to listen to the other person. When you hear
these vocal signals, your companion is probably indicating that it
is your turn to speak. When your companion hears these signals, he
or she may well assume that you are 'yielding' the floor. If you
frequently end sentences on a rising or falling intonation, with a
drop in volume, and then carry on without allowing your companion
to speak, he or she will become frustrated. Taking your turn when
your companion has not given any vocal 'turn-yielding cues', even
if he or she has finished a sentence, will be perceived as
interruption, and is equally irritating.
Verbal flirting
Although your target's initial impressions of you will depend
more on your appearance, body language and voice than on what you
actually say, successful flirting also requires good conversation
skills.
The 'art' of verbal flirting is really just a matter of knowing
the rules of conversation, the unwritten laws of etiquette
governing talking and listening. The best and most enjoyable
conversations may seem entirely spontaneous, but the people
involved are still obeying rules. The difference is that they are
following the rules automatically, without consciously trying, just
as skilled, experienced drivers do not have think about changing
gears. But understanding how the rules of conversation work – like
learning how and when to change gears – will help you to converse
more fluently, and flirt more successfully.
Studies have shown that women tend to be more skilled at
informal social conversation than men, both because they are
naturally more socially sensitive, and because they have better
verbal/communication skills. (Men make up for this with superior
visual-spatial abilities, but these are not much help in verbal
flirting.) Men can, of course, easily learn to be as skilled in the
art of conversation as women – it is only a matter of following a
few simple rules – but some do not take the trouble to learn, or
may be unaware of their deficiencies in this area. Those males who
do take the trouble to improve their conversation skills (perhaps
by reading this Guide) have a definite advantage in the flirting
stakes.
Opening lines
When the subject of flirting comes up, most people seem to be
obsessed with the issue of 'opening lines' or 'chat-up lines'. Men
talk about lines that work and lines that have failed; women laugh
about men's use of hackneyed or awkward opening lines, and all of
us, whether we admit it or not, would like to find the perfect,
original, creative way to strike up a conversation with someone we
find attractive.
The answer, perhaps surprisingly, is that your opening line is
really not very important, and all this striving for originality
and wit is a wasted effort. The fact is that conversational
'openers' are rarely original, witty or elegant, and no-one expects
them to be so. The best 'openers' are, quite simply, those which
can easily be recognised as 'openers' – as attempts to start a
conversation.
The traditional British comment on the weather ("Nice day, isn't
it?" or "Doesn't feel much like summer, eh?", etc.) will do just
fine, as everyone knows that it is a conversation-starter. The fact
that these comments are phrased as questions, or with a rising
'interrogative' intonation, does not mean that the speaker is
unsure about the quality of the weather and requires confirmation:
it means that the speaker is inviting a response in order to start
a conversation.
In Britain, it is universally understood that such
weather-comments have nothing to do with the weather, and they are
universally accepted as conversation-starters. Saying "Lovely day,
isn't it?" (or a rainy-day equivalent) is the British way of saying
"I'd like to talk to you; will you talk to me?"
A friendly response , including positive body language, means
"Yes, I'll talk to you"; a monosyllabic response (accompanied by
body-language signalling lack of interest) means "No, I don't want
to talk to you", and no verbal response at all, with body language
signalling annoyance or dislike, means "Shut up and go away".
If you are indoors – say at a party or in a bar – and nowhere
near a window, some equally innocuous general comment on your
surroundings ("Bit crowded, isn't it?", "Not very lively here
tonight, eh?") or on the food, drink, music, etc., will serve much
the same purpose as the conventional weather-comment. The words are
really quite unimportant, and there is no point in striving to be
witty or amusing: just make a vague, impersonal comment, either
phrased as a question or with a rising intonation as though you
were asking a question.
This formula – the impersonal interrogative comment – has
evolved as the standard method of initiating conversation with
strangers because it is extremely effective. The non-personal
nature of the comment makes it unthreatening and non-intrusive; the
interrogative (questioning) tone or 'isn't it?' ending invites a
response, but is not as demanding as a direct or open question.
There is a big difference between an interrogative comment such
as "Terrible weather, eh?" and a direct, open question such as
"What do you think of this weather?". The direct question demands
and requires a reply, the interrogative comment allows the other
person to respond minimally, or not respond at all, if he or she
does not wish to talk to you.
In some social contexts – such as those involving sports,
hobbies, learning, business or other specific activities – the
assumption of shared interests makes initiating conversation much
easier, as your opening line can refer to some aspect of the
activity in question. In some such contexts, there may even be a
ritual procedure to follow for initiating conversation with a
stranger. At the races, for example, anyone can ask anyone "What's
your tip for the next?" or "What do you fancy in the 3.30?", a
ritual opening which effectively eliminates all the usual
awkwardness of approaching a stranger.
Unless the context you are in provides such a convenient ritual,
use the IIC (Impersonal Interrogative Comment) formula. This
formula can be adapted to almost any situation or occasion. Just
make a general, impersonal comment on some aspect of the event,
activity, circumstances or surroundings, with a rising intonation
or 'isn't it?' type of ending. Your target will recognise this as a
conversation-starter, and his or her response will tell you
immediately whether or not it is welcomed.
There are of course degrees of positive and negative response to
an IIC. The elements you need to listen for are length,
personalising and questioning. As a general rule, the longer the
response, the better. If your target responds to your comment with
a reply of the same length or longer, this is a good sign. A
personalised response, i.e. one including the word 'I' (as in, for
example, "Yes, I love this weather") is even more positive. A
personalised response ending in a question or interrogative
(rising) intonation (as in "I thought it was supposed to clear up
by this afternoon?") is even better, and a personalised response
involving a personalised question, i.e. a response including the
words 'I' and 'you', is the most positive of all.
So, if you say "Nice day, isn't it?" and your target replies
"Yes, I was getting so tired of all that rain, weren't you?", you
are definitely in with a chance. Note that there is nothing
original, witty or clever about the above exchange. You may even be
inclined to dismiss it as polite, boring and insignificant. In
fact, a great deal of vital social information has been exchanged.
The opener has been recognised as a friendly invitation to a
conversation, the invitation has been accepted, the target has
revealed something about him/herself, expressed interest in you,
and even suggested that you might have something in common!
The biggest mistake most people make with opening lines is to
try to start a flirtation, rather than simply trying to start a
conversation. If you think about your opening line as initiating a
conversation, rather than starting a flirtation, use the IIC
formula and pay close attention to the verbal and non-verbal
response, you cannot go wrong. Even if your target does not find
you attractive and declines your invitation to talk, you will avoid
causing offence and you will avoid the humiliation of a direct
rejection.
Turn-taking
Once you have initiated a conversation with your chosen target,
your success in making a favourable impression will depend as much
on your social skills as on what you say.
We have probably all met at least one person who is highly
articulate, witty and amusing, but who loses friends and alienates
people by hogging the conversation, not allowing others to get a
word in. You may also have come across the equally irritating
strong, silent type who makes you do all the 'work' in the
conversation – who never asks a question, never expresses interest
and makes no effort to keep the conversation flowing.
What you have to say may be fascinating, and you may express it
with great eloquence, but if you have not grasped the basic social
skills involved in conversational turn-taking, you will be
perceived as arrogant and unpleasant, and neither your target nor
anyone else will enjoy your company.
The basic rule on how much to talk is very simple: try to make
your contribution to the conversation roughly equal to that of your
partner. The essence of a good conversation, and a successful
flirtation, is reciprocity: give-and-take, sharing, exchange, with
both parties contributing equally as talkers and as listeners.
Achieving this reciprocity requires an understanding of the
etiquette of turn-taking, knowing when to take your turn, as well
as when and how to 'yield the floor' to your partner. So, how do
you know when it is your turn to speak? Pauses are not necessarily
an infallible guide – one study found that the length of the
average pause during speech was 0.807 seconds, while the average
pause between speakers was shorter, only 0.764 seconds. In other
words, people clearly used signals other than pauses to indicate
that they had finished speaking.
In previous sections of the Guide, we have described in detail
the various non-verbal signals people use to show that they have
finished what they are saying, and that it is your turn to speak.
These include eye-contact signals (remember that people look away
more when they are speaking, so when they look back at you, this
often indicates that it is your turn) and vocal signals such as
rising or falling intonation, with a drop in volume. This may be
accompanied by verbal 'turn-yielding' signals, such as the
completion of a clause or 'tailing off' into meaningless
expressions such as "you know".
As a general rule, the more of these turn-yielding cues occur
simultaneously, the more likely it is that your partner has
finished and expects you to speak. Watching and listening for these
clues will help you to avoid interrupting, and also to avoid
awkward gaps and lengthy pauses in the conversation.
Talking
This Guide clearly cannot tell you exactly what to say, what
words to use, in a flirtatious conversation, but it is possible to
provide some general guidelines on what you talk about, and how you
express yourself, particularly in terms of mistakes and pitfalls to
avoid.
Negativity, for example, is real turn-off. If you talk too much
about the bad side of things, and constantly complain about the
world or your own problems, your partner will soon get bored and
fed up. Other characteristics that research has identified as
particularly boring or off-putting include self-preoccupation
(talking too much about yourself and showing too little interest in
others), banality (only talking about superficial things, repeating
hackneyed jokes and stories), tediousness (talking too slowly,
pausing too long, taking too long to make a point), passivity
(failing to take full part in the conversation or express
opinions), lack of enthusiasm (talking in a monotone, not making
eye-contact, expressing too little emotion), over-seriousness
(using a serious tone of voice and expression, even when your
partner is trying to be light-hearted or humorous) and
over-excitement (easily sidetracked, engaging in too much
meaningless chatter, too much slang).
Compliments, on the other hand, are almost universally welcomed,
and do not have to be witty or original. In an analysis of 600
verbatim compliments, linguists found that they tend to follow a
tried-and-tested formula, with the word "nice" occurring in nearly
25% of the compliments studied, and the word "you" in almost 75%.
In other words, you should not be afraid of paying simple,
unflowery compliments such as "That's a nice jacket" or "That
colour really suits you", as they can be very effective.
Clearly, excessive use of compliments will make you seem
ingratiating, and your partner may become bored with too much
suffocating niceness, but of all the ways you can bore someone,
studies have shown that this is the least offensive.
Males should, however, avoid paying women embarrassing or
potentially offensive compliments. This is not a matter of
'political correctness', but of basic social skills. Some men need
to learn that it is entirely possible to convey to a female friend
or acquaintance that you find her physically attractive, without
being crass or intrusive.
A simple, admiring comment such as "You look lovely (or pretty,
or stunning)" is enough. Anything more explicit will only cause
embarrassment or offence. The body-language must be right as well:
address the compliment to her face, not to her chest, and without
leering or what the Americans call 'elevator eyes' (eyes travelling
up and down the body).
Timing is equally important: there are times, places and
situations where any comment on a woman's appearance, however
innocent, would be inappropriate and potentially offensive. It is
not possible to list all these situations here, but as a
rule-of-thumb, only comment on a woman's appearance a) if you know
her well enough (this kind of compliment should not be used as an
opening line, but only at a much later stage in flirtatious
conversation) and b) at times, places and situations where
appearance is relevant – i.e. where it would be acceptable to
comment on a man's appearance. If the situation is not one in which
you would compliment a male acquaintance on his flattering new
jacket or haircut, do not comment on a female's appearance
either.
(Males please note: 80% of women think that they are too fat. In
one American survey, women were asked what were the three words
they would most like to hear from a male partner. The most common
answer was not, as expected, "I love you", but "You've lost
weight". While you should not make any comment on a woman's figure
unless you know her well, this compliment might please a girlfriend
or close female friend.)
Listening
Good listeners have distinct advantages in the flirting stakes,
but being a good listener is not just about shutting up and letting
the other person talk (although this certainly helps). Good
listening is essentially about giving good 'feedback', which
involves giving both verbal and non-verbal signals to show that you
are a) paying attention, and b) interested.
Effective non-verbal feedback signals include nodding, smiling,
responsive facial expressions and leaning forwards, accompanied by
general positive body language such as 'open' posture and
posture/gesture echo. Good verbal feedback signals include the use
of expressions such as "mm-hmm", "yeah", "mmm", "ah" to show
interest or agreement and to encourage the other person to
continue.
Research has shown that these basic feedback signals are highly
effective in winning friends and influencing people. They can even
result in concrete, tangible rewards: studies have found, for
example, that candidates who give this sort of feedback during job
interviews are more likely to be successful than those who do not.
Even just a few nods can significantly improve your chances, both
in interviews and in flirtatious conversation.
Another effective good-listener technique is 'paraphrasing'. To
show that you are paying attention and interested, and to encourage
your partner to tell you more, it can help if you occasionally sum
up what your partner has said, as in "…so you were stranded at the
station with no money! How did you get home?" This paraphrasing
will be particularly helpful if your partner seems a bit shy,
insecure or anxious, as it will make him or her feel more
confident.
You may have noticed that the question at the end of the
'paraphrasing' example was an 'open' question, rather than a
'closed' question requiring only a yes or no response. If you want
to encourage your partner to talk, try to ask more open questions,
such as "What kind of food do you like?" than closed questions such
as "Do you like Chinese food?"
If you are not sure about the difference, remember that open
questions begin with one of the following words: Who, What, When,
Where, How, Why. Journalists and personnel managers are taught to
ask questions beginning with these words in interviews, to
encourage job candidates and sources to give detailed replies, but
they are equally effective in informal social conversation –
particularly in flirting!
Reciprocal disclosure
One of the most important aspects of verbal flirting is what
psychologists call 'reciprocal disclosure' – the exchange of
personal information. In fact, unless partners disclose at least
some personal details, the conversation can hardly be called a
flirtation.
When you first meet, these details do not have to be
particularly intimate: disclosure of almost any personal
information, even something as innocent as the fact that one likes
warm weather or Italian food, is a move towards intimacy.
If your partner discloses some such detail, you should
reciprocate as soon as possible by revealing some similar
information about yourself, perhaps 'raising the ante' a little by
making your disclosure slightly more personal. If your partner
likes you, he or she will probably try to 'match' your disclosure
with one of similar value. Reciprocal disclosure of this kind is a
much more subtle and less threatening route to intimacy than asking
direct personal questions.
The key to successful flirtation is to escalate the level of
intimacy gradually, always maintaining a balance between your
disclosures and those of your partner. Avoid getting too far ahead
by revealing too much, or lagging behind by revealing too
little.
Women should be aware that men tend to interpret disclosure of
personal information as a sign of sexual availability, and be
particularly careful about how much they reveal.
Humour
Humour is a powerful flirting tool. It is almost impossible to
flirt successfully or enjoyably without it, and yet it can easily
backfire if abused or misused.
On the positive side, studies have shown that people who use
humour in social encounters are perceived as more likeable, and
that both trust and attraction increase when a light-hearted
approach is used. Judicious use of humour can reduce anxiety and
establish a relaxed mood which helps a relationship to develop more
rapidly. A slightly risqué joke can help to escalate the level of
intimacy in a flirtatious conversation.
On the negative side, inappropriate use of humour can kill a
promising flirtation stone dead in a matter of seconds. Making a
risqué joke or comment too early, for example, before a reasonable
degree of intimacy has been established, is the verbal equivalent
of a bum-pinch. Men are generally more likely to make this kind of
fatal mistake than women. Women, however, need to be even more
cautious in their use of sexual humour, as men will be inclined to
interpret this as a sign of sexual availability.
While it is clearly important to avoid causing offence or giving
misleading signals, humour is an essential element of flirtation.
Flirting is by definition a light-hearted, playful form of
interaction. A flirtatious encounter may eventually lead to a
'serious', long-term relationship, but too much seriousness in the
early stages is off-putting. Even in the longer term, a capacity
for light-hearted playfulness is important. It is no accident that
so many single people seeking partners through the personal ads
include 'gsoh' (good sense of humour) in their requirements.
Humour can clearly help to reduce tension and awkwardness in the
early stages of a flirtatious encounter. In the section on opening
lines, we advised the use of phrases which are universally
recognised as 'conversation-starters', such as comments on the
weather. A touch of humour can make these openers even more
effective. There is no need for elaborate attempts at wit: a simple
twist such as "Lovely day, isn't it?" during a torrential downpour
will raise a smile if your target finds you attractive. (If your
target does not find you attractive, more elaborate efforts will be
no more effective.)
Once some degree of mutual attraction has been established, the
use of humour in flirtatious conversations tends to come naturally,
as both parties are motivated to keep their target amused and
interested. Our natural instinct is to try to make the other person
smile. We need constant reassurance that we are liked and
appreciated by the object of our attraction, and smiles and
laughter provide that reassurance.
One particular form of humour, playful teasing, is particularly
common in flirtatious encounters. This is because playful teasing
allows partners to increase the 'personal' content of the exchange,
while keeping the tone light-hearted and non-serious, thus
escalating the level of disclosure and intimacy in a
non-threatening manner. Men respond particularly well to this form
of humour, as it closely resembles the 'mock-arguments' and
good-humoured exchanges of insults which are their normal means of
expressing friendship among themselves.
The most common mistakes in flirtatious use of humour involve
opposite extremes. Men are more likely to over-use humour or
monopolise the joke-telling, and fail to notice that their
companion is bored or frustrated. Women sometimes have a tendency
to under-use humour – to adopt a serious tone when their companion
would be more comfortable with light-hearted banter. There are many
exceptions, of course: we've all met heavy-going men and raucous
women, but most studies show that women are generally more cautious
in their use of humour, while men are more inclined to avoid
heart-to-heart seriousness.
If you feel you may sometimes be guilty of either excessive or
inadequate use of humour, watch your companion carefully for signs
of boredom or embarrassment – such as feet or body turning away
from you, forced smiles, reduced eye-contact, reduced verbal
attention-signals, fidgeting, defensive arm-crossing, etc. If you
are overdoing the humour, these would be your cues to tone it down
a bit. If you are being too serious, lighten up!
Parting
Your approach to leave-taking after a flirtatious conversation
is of critical importance, as it will determine your future
relationship with your companion.
Many flirtatious encounters are of naturally short duration –
where it is understood that there are no serious intentions, merely
an ego-boosting acknowledgement of mutual attraction. These
light-hearted 'brief encounters' are part of normal social
interaction, and only the pathetic or desperate would imagine that
every passing exchange of flirtatious banter is a prelude to
matrimony.
Flirting would not, however, be such a universal feature of
human interaction if it did not occasionally serve some more
long-term purpose – such as sex, reproduction, the survival of the
species, etc. While there is no harm in practising our flirting
skills just for the fun of it, there will be some occasions when we
wish to pursue the relationship, and a cheery, unconcerned "Bye,
then" or "Nice meeting you" will not do. This is when parting words
and gestures take on greater significance.
Every salesperson knows that there is little point in
establishing a great rapport with potential customers, attracting
their interest, gaining their trust and so on, if you fail to
'close' – 'closing' being sales-speak for actually making the sale,
securing the contract, getting the customer to hand over money or
sign on the dotted line. Sales staff are specifically trained in
'closing techniques' to help them achieve this all-important
goal.
In the same way, if you are genuinely attracted to your flirting
partner, and want to see him or her again, none of the flirting
skills in this Guide will be much use unless you can 'close'
effectively. In this case, your goal in 'closing' is to secure not
a contract or a sale, but the chance to meet again.
At the risk of rejection, this is the moment when you must be
explicit about your wishes. Subtle hints and positive body-language
will help you to get to this point, and careful observation of your
partner's reactions will tell you whether your 'closing' is likely
to be successful, but these techniques cannot, by themselves, get
you a phone number or a date! You have to ask. And the most
effective strategy is simple honesty. You don't have to declare
undying love, just ask: "Would you like to meet for a drink
sometime next week?" (or some equivalent, the exact words are
unimportant, but it must a be a clear request). If making a date on
the spot would be awkward or inappropriate, say something like:
"Perhaps we could meet again sometime – could I have your phone
number?"
Some American 'dating manuals' recommend that you precede this
request with a statement such as "I've really enjoyed talking with
you and I'd like to see you again". You are welcome to do this if
you wish, but it would seem to be already implicit in the request
for a date or phone number, and therefore somewhat superfluous.
Dating manuals and articles in glossy women's magazines also
constantly insist that it is perfectly acceptable nowadays for
women to take the initiative in asking men out. In fact, they never
fail to exclaim, men love it when women take the initiative. This
is quite true, and if you read the more scientific research on the
subject, you will find out why. The studies and experiments show
that men perceive women who take the initiative in asking a man out
as more sexually available. To put it more bluntly, if a woman asks
them out, they think they have a better chance of 'scoring'.
Naturally, they are delighted.
If you are female, and wish to avoid giving this impression,
there is a simple solution. Instead of asking for his phone number,
offer your own. Say something like: "Maybe we could have a drink
sometime? – here's my number". This makes it perfectly clear that
you are interested, but still requires the man to take the
initiative in asking for a date.
You are of course free to dismiss this suggestion as hopelessly
old-fashioned, sexist, pandering to double-standards, etc. It is
not the place of this Guide to make moral judgements about
flirting, merely to provide information on the latest scientific
findings. Flirting has been part of human behaviour for thousands
of years, and whether we approve or not, the latest findings show
that not much has changed. Males have always tended towards an
over-optimistic interpretation of female signals, and females have
always adjusted their signals to encourage only selected males.
Despite the disapproval of 17th-century Puritans, Victorian
moralists and their modern equivalents in both the 'moral majority'
and 'political correctness' camps, these basic flirting instincts
persist, and the human species survives.