Hitting & Kicking

What it is: At around 20 months (sometimes earlier, sometimes later), you notice your toddler shoving, hitting, and kicking (ouch!) when things aren't going his way.

Why it happens: Your toddler's boorish behavior is totally normal at this stage of development. For starters, he's beginning to assert his independence. This is also the only way he knows how to deal with frustration. Poor impulse control (no surprise there), inability to anticipate the consequences of his actions ("Why is Zane crying?"), and curiosity about cause and effect ("What will happen if I hit Amy?") are some other reasons for your tot's blossoming belligerence.

What you need to know: No matter how it may look, your child's aggressive behavior is not malicious. Toddlers in general are clueless when it comes to the feelings of others; they just don't know any better. But if you see little improvement in your child's behavior or if he never seems sorry, it may be time to consult your pediatrician.

What to do about it: The next time your little one socks his playmate, take these steps:

• First, make sure the victim is okay (and apply TLC if necessary).
• Then take your child aside and briefly explain that what he did was wrong. In a calm, firm tone, say, "You hurt Amy when you hit her. That's why we don't hit."
• Warn your toddler of the consequences if he hits again (for example, a time-out or a quick end to the playdate). Be sure to follow through on your warning.
• Switch to a parent-supervised activity like making a snack or craft.

How to prevent it:

• Reward good behavior with praise, smiles, or hugs. If the only time your toddler receives attention is when he does something bad, he has no incentive to change.
• Put your toddler's feelings into words. Let your child know that while it's not okay to hurt somebody, it's okay to feel strong emotions like anger, disappointment, or sadness. ("I know you feel angry that you can't play with the train. It's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to hit.")
• Channel your tot's pent-up energy into safe outlets like dancing to lively music or running and playing outside.
• Make sure your little one is well-fed and rested before a playdate, and cut short a social visit if you spy signs of fatigue. Hint: Even the most socially adept toddler may lose it when he's tired or hungry.
• Be a good role model. Show how you resolve conflicts with words and compromise, and refrain from spanking your toddler. How can you expect your child to learn that hitting is a no-no if it's good enough for you?