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10 things dating sites won't tell you

1. 'Keep your hopes high and your expectations low'

Once considered taboo, online dating is no longer a dirty little secret. In fact, dating sites now average more than 20 million unique visitors a month, according to comScore, an Internet data provider. With so many singles unabashedly searching for Mr. or Ms. Right online, it's taken away the stigma that Internet dating is a sign of desperation, says Lisa Clampitt, the president of VIP Life, a New York matchmaking service.

The promise of tapping a vast dating pool has people paying $30 to $60 a month to join top sites such as Match.com and Yahoo Personals or smaller, niche outfits like DateMyPet.com, where users upload photos of themselves with their pets. And for many, it works: About 2% of marriages in the U.S. today are the result of an eHarmony connection, at least according to a Harris Interactive survey commissioned by eHarmony.

But before you log on, here's a reality check: The odds aren't in your favor, social-sciences researcher Jeana Frost says.

"People respond to so many attributes that have to be experienced," she says. "You can't just find someone compatible by using a search button."

2. 'We've yet to meet 2 people who aren't a potential match'

Amanda Swanson, 28, of Massachusetts joined eHarmony, thinking she'd meet men who shared her interests. Despite the elaborate questionnaire, she says, eHarmony tried to set her up with a daredevil type who liked skydiving. "I would never do something like that," Swanson says. (An eHarmony spokesman says it's up to members to review and communicate with their assigned matches to determine whether the right chemistry exists.)

Some sites such as eHarmony and Chemistry.com use complex formulas to pair up their members. But critics say it's fuzzy math. These formulas are kept under wraps for competitive reasons, so outside experts aren't able to vet them. And while many people think these surveys will help them find a match, "no one knows if they actually work," says Robert Epstein, the author of the upcoming book "Making Love: How Couples Learn to Love and You Can Too." If you really want individualized matchmaking, experts say, then consider a personal matchmaker. They're more expensive, with services starting around $1,000, but they know their clients well and take responsibility for any mismatches.

3. 'Everyone's lying about something'

When Sophia Price of Tallahassee, Fla., met a man through Match.com who said he was a business owner, she expected him to look the part. She says she began to have doubts when he showed up on their date with holes in his clothes. But the bigger jolt came when a waitress recognized him and asked about his girlfriend.

Whether or not Price's date was being truthful, deception and courting have been going steady for a long time. So it's no surprise some online suitors stretch the truth to get a date. For example, some users lie about their age to show up in more search results, which is why there are eight times as many 29-year-old women than 30- to 34-year-old women on dating sites, according to a study by Epstein.

But most lies in the online dating universe are pretty small, says Nicole Ellison, an assistant professor at Michigan State University. "People tend to describe their ideal self rather than how they really are," she says. That accounts for adding an extra inch to your height or saying you love to work out when you really haven't hit the gym in weeks. Bottom line: Keep an open mind, since setting your search fields too narrowly can eliminate a lot of possible matches, Ellison says.

4. 'We don't have as many members as it seems'

Many pay-to-play dating sites let you create a profile and peruse other subscribers for free, with the catch being that if you want to contact someone, you have to join.

Unfortunately, there's no way for members of a site to tell whether the profiles they're seeing belong to paid subscribers or to mere browsers who've posted a profile but haven't joined -- and thus aren't accessible. That means when you get no reply, you're left scratching your head: Was she not interested or just unable to respond to you? Either way, Epstein chalks it up to one of the basic hazards of Internet dating: "It's very easy to get hurt or be disappointed online."

So how many posted profiles at paid dating sites belong to active members? Experts say that, at best, subscriber services convert between 10% and 15% of browsers into members. That means 85% or more of the profiles at a subscriber site could belong to unreachable browsers. The problem is, there's no incentive for the sites to change, since the more profiles they list, the better they look. How to avoid the heartbreak? One way is to stick to free sites such as Plentyoffish.com or OKCupid, where every profile you see belongs to a member.

5. 'Fall in love too quickly and you could end up broke'

As if navigating between the white lies and the false starts of the online dating world weren't enough, you also have to be on the lookout for scams. Just like every Internet venture, online dating is full of folks looking to make a quick buck. These con artists "prey on people who fall for pretty faces on the Internet," says Brian Erickson, the director of operations at Mate1, an online dating service.

The romance scam is the most prevalent on dating sites and the hardest to stop, Erickson says. It happens when male members start getting messages from a too-attractive-to-be-true woman who says she's from a distant location­. The two will hit it off a little too quickly, then she'll want to come visit but needs a plane ticket or money for gas. The mark sends her the money -- and never hears from her again.

When you click with someone online, "it's easy to say, 'Wow, this could turn into something,'" says Erickson, but if someone asks you for money, that should send up an immediate red flag. Another giveaway: When a profile says the person is local but you find out she's actually in Eastern Europe.

6. 'Our guarantees are only guaranteed to keep you here'

According to the statistics for online dating success, you're just as likely to meet your perfect match while shopping for groceries. So how can sites such as Match.com and Yahoo Personals offer "guarantees" and six-month "promises"?

Because these assurances aren't about finding love. If you read the fine print, you'll see they're careful not to promise you'll meet that certain someone -- just that if you don't during your six-month subscription, you'll get more time to keep trying, on the house. You don't even have the option of a refund. (Match.com had no comment. Yahoo emphasized the success of its six-month program, adding that if subscribers want to quit, they have "the option of removing their profile.")

Dating sites do this because it's an easy, low-cost way to keep up traffic and a great marketing tool, says David Evans, an industry consultant. But some people who've done a stint in the online dating world have no desire to go back.

"I get knots in my stomach just thinking about it," says Match.com veteran Claire Berger, a Florida resident who recalls a litany of outdated photographs and interminable first dates that never led to anything.

7. 'Don't expect quick results'

You've signed up with a service, crafted your profile and even cleared your weekend. So you're all set to meet your match, right? Unfortunately, it's not that simple.

"You can't just throw up a profile and expect to go on a date," says Mark Brooks, an industry consultant for online dating services. The world of online dating has its own rhythms and rituals, which often take some time.

How to get things moving? For starters, say less in your profile. It sounds counterintuitive -- you want your potential dates to know you're an ardent heavy-metal fan, right? Not necessarily: One study found that the less specific a profile was, the more responses it got. "People tended to fill in the blanks with things they liked," says Frost, the social-sciences researcher.

Also, take advantage of sites that offer a chat feature. It's a more natural and faster way for two people to get to know each other than traded e-mails. Once you're ready to meet the person offline, most experts suggest doing it sooner rather than later. And keep that first date light. Get together for coffee or a beer -- in other words, something less committal than dinner. That way, if there's no connection, you can easily leave. "You're going to know by the second sip of your latte if there's something there," says Trish McDermott, the "VP of Love" at Engage.com.

8. 'Once you log in, you're pretty much on your own'

Not everyone who signs up for an online dating service has the same experience meeting their potential matches. According to experts, around one in 10 users is getting what's commonly expected -- that is, they're readily communicating with other members, toward the goal of dating in the real world -- but the majority aren't so lucky. That's because 10% of the people using the service are receiving 90% of the messages.

What gives? Some people could simply use more help than others, Brooks says, but good luck getting it from the dating service you're using. "Online dating sites' biggest flaw is they don't offer service of any kind," he says. Rather, most of them function more like a giant virtual bar or nightclub.

If you find yourself among the majority of users who aren't having the online dating experience they hoped for, one alternative is to try sites that feature community-based matchmaking, where friends and family can help you with your search. What makes these sites work is that they mirror real life, where "the community provides support and reality checks," Epstein says.

9. 'You might not need all these extras, but we do'

Despite its booming popularity and the widespread acceptance of Internet dating, the industry as a whole isn't exactly seeing tremendous profit growth these days. In fact, total revenue for the online dating industry was projected to reach $1.18 billion in 2008, less than a 1% increase from 2007, according to IBISWorld, a market research firm. Besides the overall dampening of consumer spending, the Internet dating market has simply become saturated, Brooks says.

That means online dating services have had to start getting creative. One way some sites are looking to bring in more income is by offering an array of cost-extra features, such as alerts that let you know when the e-mails you've sent have been opened, visually highlighted profiles in search results so that yours can stand out from the pack, even background checks on the subscriber of your choice. But do these sorts of extras really work? Anything that's going to help you stand out in search results is going to help you get dates, McDermott says. But, she adds, "technology is never going to solve all the problems people have with dating."

10. 'Good luck trying to break up with us'

If it seems like meeting someone online is difficult, just wait until you try to cancel your subscription. The most common complaint to the Better Business Bureau regarding online dating services is that they charge your credit card after you've canceled. There's even a class-action lawsuit pending in a federal court in northern Texas against True.com that alleges the company billed its former subscribers service fees after those subscribers attempted to cancel their subscriptions. (The company says it doesn't comment on continuing litigation.)

What to do if you're being charged for an account you thought was canceled? Since the dating sites have little incentive to fix a profitable error, they might not be as responsive as you'd hope. If you're having trouble getting an Internet dating service to refund your money, contact your credit card company -- it may be willing to remove the charge.

A spokeswoman for American Express says that as far as her company is concerned, canceling an online dating account is like returning a sweater. "You tried it but changed your mind," she says.

This article was reported by Jason Kephartfor SmartMoney.